I haven't been writing lately because I haven't had much to say. I feel like a broken record... I miss my boy... that's just my new every day life!
I've been frustrated lately and unsure of how I'm feeling. The worst feeling in the world is thinking that people have forgotten Gavin, and reality is that some have and some have not! While I can't make people feel a certain way, I haven't learned how to control the hurt that comes with that. Every time I realize somebody has deleted me on facebook or someone avoids me in public, it sucks. When the people I expect to want to remember Gavin just plain don't, I truly have to fight back tears. There are people in my life who should be front and center that I just don't want to be around anymore because I feel like a pile of crap that my son didn't and doesn't matter to them... and I shouldn't have to feel that way.
See, the broken record thing? I've talked about that before. It's still there, though.
We are trying to sell our house (going on 3.5months) to move into a bigger beautiful house that honestly isn't a need, it's just a want. We were discussing that one evening with friends and I was told maybe I should just be thankful for what I have. They went on to explain that I have a home, a man that works hard, a nice vehicle and there are people who have far less, so I should just be content. Yeah, I probably should be.
But truth is, I have a home where I wake up and open my bedroom door just to be facing another door, one that's closed. It's always closed. Behind it lies an adorable blue nursery with a stinkin cute crib that matches the stinkin cute dresser full of stinkin cute clothes that are never going to be worn. Not to mention the super comfortable papasan rocking chair that nobody sits in. There's a name on the wall that I made myself to let Nate know he had come out victorious in the naming battle, a name that barely gets used. I have a home. A nice, comfortable home. This home is full of the future that no longer exists. It's just a room... but it's Gavin's. I can't take it down, or pack it away. I can't turn it into a guest room. I can't. It's just there, life's little way of making fun of me. It got me good this time.
Also, a lot of people who have far less than me have the one thing in life I don't, and I work hard and contribute to the county fund for their 10 children ... but hey, I have a nice car. How lucky am I?!
I realize people don't get it. I get how people might think I'm being selfish. But here's the deal. I work my damn ass off to help people, and their children, and their parents, (and I love my job, don't get me wrong) and then I get to come home and be slapped in the face with that door- the one that laughs at me and points out that I can save lives, just not Gavin's.
So yeah, I want a new house. Not even a new one- just a different one. I realize that it won't make everything go away or stop hurting or make me feel better in any way, but I can at least put an end to one part of the grief. That room symbolizes a future that was totally ripped away. It makes me sad for what I don't have. It makes me hurt to have the visual reminders of where Gavin should be at any point of the day, or what he should be wearing or playing with. In this house, there's nothing I can do about it, that will always be his room full of his stuff. I want to start over so that I can remember the good part- my son. I want his pictures on the wall and his name next to a clock stopped on his time of birth, I want to remember what I had and be grateful for it. I got to be a mom, and that's still mindblowing to me, and I want to recognize the good... not have a constant physical reminder of the bad.
So yeah, have your opinion. I know part of my reasoning is probably totally irrational, I just don't care.
But don't ever tell me to be content with what I have, when I am living in one big reminder of what I don't.
((((Hugs)))) Thinking of you!!
ReplyDeleteEverything you said is so very true. People who say "be glad for what you have," don't realize that saying doesn't apply to this situation. Just because you have a wonderful marriage, an enjoyable job, and nice things, doesn't mean you should be deprived of living children. There is no rule that you can only have one or another. Why can't you have it all? Some people do, why can't you?
ReplyDeleteThe door, I have one of those doors...sometimes I lock myself behind it curl up on the floor with my old pregnancy pillow and cry, long and hard. I'm thinking of you and Gavin.
People can be so cruel. I'm sure they thought they were being helpful. How could you possible be grateful for the things you have when the one thing you want, the one person you want, the person you need, is gone? My heart aches for you. Were these people parents? I don't think a person can understand what children do to their mother unless they are a mother. A person can't understand that a mother's life ceases to be her own when her child takes his first breath (if you are a good mom, of course, which you are). When Gavin took his last breath, so did you. You are still living and breathing, but your heart is with that boy. You can't just decide to be happy for all the "things" in your life when you'd much prefer to be tortured to death if it meant he got to live. He's your everything. I never knew what true love really was until I met my boys. They are easily the loves of my life.
ReplyDeleteI still imagine you with a house full of happy, laughing children. Gavin will be there, too, in your hearts, on your minds, shaping your lives and your love. You will never stop missing him, though, I can't imagine you could. We will never forget him.