Warning. Angry.

Warning: This post may contain a lot of anger. If you are offended by cuss words, turn back now.

Nate and I have chosen to not share every single little detail about our son. Not even just about him, but also about us. It has come to my attention that since people are uninformed on certain things about our son (and us) that they are just making things up and spinning a story of why my son died.
I am horrified to even have to think about writing this post. Horrified. Disgusted. Pissed off.
You want the truth? Here it is.
My son died. He died. Everyone's aware of that. Everyone knows that he had Miller-Dieker Syndrome. He had Miller-Dieker Syndrome, and he died. Read more about it HERE. Seriously, educate yourselves. You will find that Miller-Dieker comes from having messed up chromosomes. Chromosomes are GENETIC. Gavin's problem was GENETIC. The information you will also find, is that it can be a total fluke, or it can be inherited. Ready for this bombshell? Gavin wasn't a fluke.
Gavin's death happened because one of his parents was unknowingly a carrier. You will notice I did not place either Nate or I's name into that sentence. Here's another truth: It's none of anybody's fucking business. Want to know the really sad part? We feel we can't tell anybody which one of us it is. Because truthfully, one of us can have perfect living children. The other can't. And we are surrounded by a few judgemental assholes who would spit out something along the lines of, "Why do you stay if you can have kids and the other one can't?" Seriously, WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE do we have in our lives that we have to be worried about bullshit comments like that?! Sad reality.
Here's the other truth. There was nothing, NOTHING, in the world that could have changed Gavin's life. I followed my doctors orders (minus the being hospitalized in the cities thing), I checked with them before doing really anything. If you research caffeine and pregnancy you will find that (GASP) you CAN have some- in moderation! If you would like to do further research, pregnant people CAN be on airplanes!! OMG!
Yeah, there were some things I could have improved on, but who the fuck thinks they have the right to insinuate, talk about, or even THINK IN THEIR FUCKING BRAIN that anything I did killed my son.
Yeah, re-read and process that.
I was "enlightened" today that people think of me that way.
People think that my actions killed my son.
It makes me SICK, fucking absolutely SICK to even think about having to write this.
But here is what I have to say to those people:
FUCK. YOU.
Go fuck yourselves.
Go fall in a hole and die.
I don't care how you do it, just get the fuck away from me, my husband and my life.
Gavin died because of his DNA. DNA can not be changed, altered, swapped, damaged, etc, etc, by me or anybody else. Unfortunately, neither can Nate or I's. We are now facing the horrible decisions about the rest of our lives. This could happen again. Still think I did it? Am I plotting to kill the next one too? How about any after that? If I stay in bed and do nothing but eat and use the bathroom for 9 months of a pregnancy and my baby STILL dies, what will be the reason then? Surely I will have done something!
I feel awful every single fucking day of my life that my son died. But here is the one thing I do know: my actions did not kill my son or aid in his death in any way, shape or form. Fuck you if you think otherwise. I do not have room for you in my life, and you do not deserve to have me in yours. Go to fucking hell.