fitting right now.

A Promise to My Son ..

I will talk about and share my son,
to honor him and his memory.
Deny me that, and you will deny him life.
Deny him life, and you no longer have a place in mine.

My baby should be 9 months old today, but he's not.
This should have been his first Christmas, but it wasn't.

I'm in a funk. Life isn't great right now.
I'm tired of people that claim they care when they don't.
Actions really do speak louder than words.
I'm just feeling cruddy.
I'm feeling like I've been left behind.
So has my son, by a lot of his family.
But they "care" so that's enough right?
I feel pretty alone.
A lot of things can't be undone, and I'm feeling that list getting longer and longer.
Nothing is the same. I'm not the same.
I miss my baby.

It's Okay :)

I randomly copy and paste things here, mostly so I can find them again in the future if they were helpful to me. These aren't my words, but darn close!



"I spent so long feeling guilty, feeling ashamed of my sadness, and you know what? It just made me sadder. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be depressed. We all deserve to feel our own sadness in our own time.
Something you will have heard before - you deserve to be happy. That, of course, is not always easy to hear, especially in the depths of depression - so let me add something. You deserve to be happy - but you don't have to be happy right now or all the time.
It is okay to be sad, it's okay to not be ready to be happy yet. One day you will be ready to recover - that day doesn't have to be today or even tomorrow, as long as you know and trust me that it will come.
It's okay not to be okay."

I've found that working through it is much more healing than just pretending. When you're pretending, it all comes back up again at some point and you will feel like you're starting at the beginning. All those feelings of crap need to be noticed and felt to be able to move up from them.

Hi.

Some of you may have noticed that this place went private and quiet for a little while.
I'm only here to talk. About myself, my boy and my life in general.
This is therapy for me.
I cannot control what people think, believe or say about me.
However, I can control what is posted here and the opinionated comments that are allowed through.
For those of you who know me personally, or have at some point in my life, you know that I've always been feisty. Sarcastic. Sassy. Bitchy, even. I've been strong-willed, bull-headed, and heavily opinionated.
For the last year almost, I've been empty.
I cry, randomly, for no good reason.
The littlest things send me totally over the edge.
My stress and emotional level is constantly at a 9.
I don't talk about things. Unless somebody else brings it up, my things are not discussed.
My systolic blood pressure for the last 9 months has been at least 150 consistently. Before, it was 118.
I am worn out. My body is tired. My mind... it's fried.
I have to set alarms and reminders on my phone to remind me when I have to work in the morning.
I'm hurting.
I'm emotionally drained.
With all of that, I had to try to save somebody else's kid who put a bullet in his head this week.
I didn't succeed.
Before you judge me, or any of the content of my brain that I post here, remember a little thing called compassion.
You may know me. You may know of the life I lead.
However.
You do not know my struggles.
You do not know what myself or my husband are living through.
You might know the loss, and if you do, I hurt for you.
But you might not know how exhausting it is to have to pull yourself together to care for someone else when you can't barely take care of yourself. I'm not better than anyone. I'm not stronger. My struggle is no greater than yours. I'm just saying - I don't walk in your shoes, you don't walk in mine.
95% of this blog experience has been so positive, and so supportive and I truly find comfort here.
5% of the time, it causes judgement and attacks and this is hopefully my last post where I have to address this crap.
If you are here to judge or twist or spread stories, just go away. Have enough decency and try to muster up enough care from your cold dead heart to just simply leave me alone. I'm trying so hard. I don't need crap from anybody. I need support. I need love. I need people who genuinely care. For those of you that provide that for me, I am so thankful for you. For those of you that don't, please use the X in the corner and do not return.

Edited to Add: My email is kscharmer5@gmail.com . For anybody who does want to read this blog and continue to follow the story of my life and my emotionally charged responses to it, please shoot me an email with your email address so that if I do have to make it private again, I can keep it open to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there for me.