Warning. Angry.

Warning: This post may contain a lot of anger. If you are offended by cuss words, turn back now.

Nate and I have chosen to not share every single little detail about our son. Not even just about him, but also about us. It has come to my attention that since people are uninformed on certain things about our son (and us) that they are just making things up and spinning a story of why my son died.
I am horrified to even have to think about writing this post. Horrified. Disgusted. Pissed off.
You want the truth? Here it is.
My son died. He died. Everyone's aware of that. Everyone knows that he had Miller-Dieker Syndrome. He had Miller-Dieker Syndrome, and he died. Read more about it HERE. Seriously, educate yourselves. You will find that Miller-Dieker comes from having messed up chromosomes. Chromosomes are GENETIC. Gavin's problem was GENETIC. The information you will also find, is that it can be a total fluke, or it can be inherited. Ready for this bombshell? Gavin wasn't a fluke.
Gavin's death happened because one of his parents was unknowingly a carrier. You will notice I did not place either Nate or I's name into that sentence. Here's another truth: It's none of anybody's fucking business. Want to know the really sad part? We feel we can't tell anybody which one of us it is. Because truthfully, one of us can have perfect living children. The other can't. And we are surrounded by a few judgemental assholes who would spit out something along the lines of, "Why do you stay if you can have kids and the other one can't?" Seriously, WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE do we have in our lives that we have to be worried about bullshit comments like that?! Sad reality.
Here's the other truth. There was nothing, NOTHING, in the world that could have changed Gavin's life. I followed my doctors orders (minus the being hospitalized in the cities thing), I checked with them before doing really anything. If you research caffeine and pregnancy you will find that (GASP) you CAN have some- in moderation! If you would like to do further research, pregnant people CAN be on airplanes!! OMG!
Yeah, there were some things I could have improved on, but who the fuck thinks they have the right to insinuate, talk about, or even THINK IN THEIR FUCKING BRAIN that anything I did killed my son.
Yeah, re-read and process that.
I was "enlightened" today that people think of me that way.
People think that my actions killed my son.
It makes me SICK, fucking absolutely SICK to even think about having to write this.
But here is what I have to say to those people:
FUCK. YOU.
Go fuck yourselves.
Go fall in a hole and die.
I don't care how you do it, just get the fuck away from me, my husband and my life.
Gavin died because of his DNA. DNA can not be changed, altered, swapped, damaged, etc, etc, by me or anybody else. Unfortunately, neither can Nate or I's. We are now facing the horrible decisions about the rest of our lives. This could happen again. Still think I did it? Am I plotting to kill the next one too? How about any after that? If I stay in bed and do nothing but eat and use the bathroom for 9 months of a pregnancy and my baby STILL dies, what will be the reason then? Surely I will have done something!
I feel awful every single fucking day of my life that my son died. But here is the one thing I do know: my actions did not kill my son or aid in his death in any way, shape or form. Fuck you if you think otherwise. I do not have room for you in my life, and you do not deserve to have me in yours. Go to fucking hell.

A little bit of change

I always write when I'm angry or sad or frustrated... for once, right in this moment, I'm none of those. I shouldn't say that, they're always there, but none of those are my primary emotion at the moment. Confused? Yeah, me too.

I had a good week. There. I said it. My emotions of the last few weeks have taken a back seat, and I've been able to accept the good things that have happened. Almost without feeling guilty for not feeling bad! That's a big step! I realize how stupid that must sound. Why the hell would I feel guilty for feeling good? Because the second a big smile takes over my face, I am instantly aware that I'm feeling good without my baby here. A huge step in the grieving process is allowing yourself to realize that sadness does not equal love. (FYI, I'm not there yet.) I believe that we equate our grief with our love for our child and if we lessen or stop grieving, we stupidly think that we also stop loving them as much and remembering them. 

Anyways, a list of the good things this week: 

1. I cross-trained at a new base and loved it. The people were great, and really made me feel comfortable and accepted, which is something that had been lacking at my current place.

2. I started my new schedule consisting of more day shifts at my current station. I was nervous about this based on what had been missing here: a sense of fitting in. Turns out I was a little wrong. 2 of my partners and a couple people I don't even work with on the trucks told me how much they liked working with me. I could have cried. 18 months of not feeling comfortable here, and I finally feel like I am liked and appreciated. That is HUGE. Now I feel a little bad for applying for another job position. Oh well.

3. A paramedic I worked with at my old job came into the ER here with a patient and told me how much I was missed over there and he really wished I would come back. Seriously! 18 months, and I get it piled on in one week! I feel pretty good work-wise. 

4. I received a dragonfly card and keychain in remembrance of Gavin, and also an awesome candle with his name, picture and a little saying and poem. I love it. The last few weeks have sucked, and I really needed something or somebody to acknowledge his life- and people did! 

5. Last and largest... we are officially moving! We haven't sold our house yet but have some promising options so we decided to go ahead and set a closing date on our new house. There's a little bit of anxiety, but I'm so looking forward to being able to be comfortable in my own house again and hopefully being able to start to heal in some small way. 

I found this today... now I do not wish to be dead in any way, but this does ring true. 

Not only do I not have Gavin for the holidays, but Halloween was the due date for baby #1. 

(baby #2 was also due in October) 

How weird is it to think that I should have a 4 year old. And a 3 year old. 

And Gavin.

Halloween is hard.

I would still choose you.

Most of the time I don't have the right words to say how I feel. 

This column is one of the closest things I've read.

From CarlyMarie's article in Still Standing Magazine: 

"If I could go back and endure the pain of your death and the sorrow of your loss, I would, because I would get to experience the love that you gave me all over again"

"I would still choose you, for you chose me, so therefore I would and will always choose you, my darling son"

Full post: http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/10/i-would-still-choose-you/

Dear baby boy,

I miss you.
Mom is having a rough week,
a lot of tears,
a lot of frustration,
a whole lot of sad.
I selfishly wish you were here
instead of just your pictures.
It's been almost 6 months since I've seen your face,
since I've held you,
since I've given you kisses.
6 months since life as I knew it ended.
I can't tell if time is crawling or flying,
but either way... this sucks.
6 months is far too long for a mama to be away from her baby,
and it's only a fraction of what it will be.
My only source of real happiness comes from
the fact that I got to be your mom.
I'm so lucky to have had you.
I love you.