A little bit of change

I always write when I'm angry or sad or frustrated... for once, right in this moment, I'm none of those. I shouldn't say that, they're always there, but none of those are my primary emotion at the moment. Confused? Yeah, me too.

I had a good week. There. I said it. My emotions of the last few weeks have taken a back seat, and I've been able to accept the good things that have happened. Almost without feeling guilty for not feeling bad! That's a big step! I realize how stupid that must sound. Why the hell would I feel guilty for feeling good? Because the second a big smile takes over my face, I am instantly aware that I'm feeling good without my baby here. A huge step in the grieving process is allowing yourself to realize that sadness does not equal love. (FYI, I'm not there yet.) I believe that we equate our grief with our love for our child and if we lessen or stop grieving, we stupidly think that we also stop loving them as much and remembering them. 

Anyways, a list of the good things this week: 

1. I cross-trained at a new base and loved it. The people were great, and really made me feel comfortable and accepted, which is something that had been lacking at my current place.

2. I started my new schedule consisting of more day shifts at my current station. I was nervous about this based on what had been missing here: a sense of fitting in. Turns out I was a little wrong. 2 of my partners and a couple people I don't even work with on the trucks told me how much they liked working with me. I could have cried. 18 months of not feeling comfortable here, and I finally feel like I am liked and appreciated. That is HUGE. Now I feel a little bad for applying for another job position. Oh well.

3. A paramedic I worked with at my old job came into the ER here with a patient and told me how much I was missed over there and he really wished I would come back. Seriously! 18 months, and I get it piled on in one week! I feel pretty good work-wise. 

4. I received a dragonfly card and keychain in remembrance of Gavin, and also an awesome candle with his name, picture and a little saying and poem. I love it. The last few weeks have sucked, and I really needed something or somebody to acknowledge his life- and people did! 

5. Last and largest... we are officially moving! We haven't sold our house yet but have some promising options so we decided to go ahead and set a closing date on our new house. There's a little bit of anxiety, but I'm so looking forward to being able to be comfortable in my own house again and hopefully being able to start to heal in some small way. 

I found this today... now I do not wish to be dead in any way, but this does ring true. 

Not only do I not have Gavin for the holidays, but Halloween was the due date for baby #1. 

(baby #2 was also due in October) 

How weird is it to think that I should have a 4 year old. And a 3 year old. 

And Gavin.

Halloween is hard.