Honesty.

The hard truth is, I'm struggling.
Somebody else I know who lost a child described our life in this way: you know that instant, intense love you have when you have a child? The kind that hits you so hard you just know that they are your world and you would do anything, everything, and die for them the second they take that first breath?
Well, the grief is the same way.
It is just as intense. It is just as huge. Your world as you knew it is demolished, it's gone, it's nothing, and there's nothing you can do about it. It is helpless, lonely, and just as powerful as the love you have for your baby. But it's sadness, instead of happiness. It is pain, instead of love. You are in the same exact spot as you were a minute ago, but you are totally and hopelessly lost.
I'm there. I thought things would start to get better, but that is not the case.
Here's the point of all this talk: I am depressed. After 10 1/2 months, I'm finally saying it. I have depression. I feel like everyone is sick of hearing about how crappy I feel, so I've stopped talking about it. Let me tell you now if you haven't already learned this, that makes it SO. MUCH. WORSE. Don't do that.
I want so badly to be happy. I don't know how to do it anymore.
I'm scared that this is as good as it's going to get. I'm a mom. I can't live a childless life. I feel lonely, sad, scared, stressed, tired, more sad, frustrated, angry. I feel so much, yet say so little.
I struggle daily with things that should not matter. They hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm in a puddle, crying like a wimp.
I want this to get better, I just don't know how. I have a huge hole in my life, and the odds of filling it aren't very good. I'm stressed, my blood pressure is high, I have headaches every day, and I am seriously seriously tired of it.
I'm not okay. I'm not. This life is not okay. It's unfair and cruel and horrible.
I am going to try. I don't know what I'm going to try, but something needs to change. I can't function like this any longer. I need to kick my ass in a different direction. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I will be on a mission to improve my life in some way or another. I will get this figured out.
There wasn't much of a point to this post, I'm realizing. I think I just needed to find my voice again.

I have to find a way to be okay. Thanks for reading this whole thing. Sometimes I just need somebody to listen. I'm in pain. But as they say, the first step is admitting there's a problem. I've got a big problem. Hopefully announcing it will be the first step in a better direction.

Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with.
It responds like a snail to our patience,
and races like a gazelle when you are out of breath.
~Simon Birch

Hi baby. I miss you. 

I miss your cute teeny tiny face. 

I miss your mullet hair.

I miss your kicking. 

I miss waking you up, and ticking you off. 

You hated to be woken up, just like mom. 

I miss your little bird legs, with big knobby knees. 

I miss your pretty blue eyes. 

You liked opening them for auntie more than me, stinker.

I miss your little fingers that could grip so tightly.

I miss your huge feet. 

Yours were little versions of daddys, but cute. Not big and smelly.

I miss hobbling down to see you in the middle of the night. 

I miss our alone time, just holding on and hanging out. 

I miss being blissfully unaware of what was about to happen. 

I miss you being here.

I miss you just being.

I miss the happy.

I waited a long time for you baby boy. 

Turns out I'm going to be waiting a lifetime more. 

I'll miss you til then my little love. 

Questionnaire!

So Ms. Lindsey over at Two Boys, Two Pair of Wings so sweetly tagged me (awhile ago, sorry Lindsey!) for a Leibster award nomination thingy. As you may have noticed, I haven't been here in awhile because my life has been ridiculously busy. Stupidly busy! I'm about to run out the door again actually, but I wanted to acknowledge this because it was so nice of her to think of me. 

I'm going to do this incorrectly, just because I'm time crunched today, but I did want to answer the questions that Lindsey picked out. 

1. Do you work outside the home?  If so, what is your profession?

     I do! I am a Paramedic with two different ambulance services! 

2. What song most reminds you of your Child(ren)?

    Oh gosh. So many of them. A Thousand Years by Christina Perri is a big one. Ships of Heaven by Blackhawk (Gavin's funeral song). Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney sends me into a total tear-filled meltdown every time. 

3. What are you most looking forward to these days?

    This is so pathetic, but I truly don't know. I feel like I don't have anything going on in life to look forward to, and that makes me so so sad. I'm usually planning a trip or a remodeling project, and a trip is not in the budget this year and the new house doesn't need any projects yet. I've always been the planner, and I'm just truly lost in life right now. (another reason I haven't been real present in the blog world lately)

4. If a genie granted you one wish, what would you wish for?

    To have a family.

5. How long have you been married, or been with your significant other?

    I have been with the Mr. for almost 9 years, our 6th wedding anniversary will be in June! 

6. What do you do in your spare time?

    Spare time... ha. I spend time with my friends, love to hang out with my niece and nephew when our schedules all cooperate, mope around, check out restaurants and wineries with my other half. Cuddle with my doggy. 

7. What resource helped you the most after the loss of your child(ren)?

    I don't think I have one specific thing that helped. Being here and talking with other women has helped tremendously. Just talking about it has been the biggest thing probably. Unfortunately it doesn't happen much.

8. Do you have pets?

    Yes. We have a very attention-hungry black lab named Addie. She rules the roost and is my favorite non-human little person ever. I am wanting another dog very badly. Although, I am very aware that I only want another dog to fill a void. I don't care. We have kitties also. I'm pretty confident that I have the best cat on the entire planet. Just saying.

9. What is your favorite color?

    Pink :) 

10. Who is the most supportive person in your life?

    I'm not sure. My other half is most of the time I guess.  my support system isn't all that great anymore, mostly because I don't reach out or ask for it. 

11. If you had to live anywhere else, other than where you are currently living, where would it be?  

    South. I crave the south. I would move in a heartbeat.