Honesty.

The hard truth is, I'm struggling.
Somebody else I know who lost a child described our life in this way: you know that instant, intense love you have when you have a child? The kind that hits you so hard you just know that they are your world and you would do anything, everything, and die for them the second they take that first breath?
Well, the grief is the same way.
It is just as intense. It is just as huge. Your world as you knew it is demolished, it's gone, it's nothing, and there's nothing you can do about it. It is helpless, lonely, and just as powerful as the love you have for your baby. But it's sadness, instead of happiness. It is pain, instead of love. You are in the same exact spot as you were a minute ago, but you are totally and hopelessly lost.
I'm there. I thought things would start to get better, but that is not the case.
Here's the point of all this talk: I am depressed. After 10 1/2 months, I'm finally saying it. I have depression. I feel like everyone is sick of hearing about how crappy I feel, so I've stopped talking about it. Let me tell you now if you haven't already learned this, that makes it SO. MUCH. WORSE. Don't do that.
I want so badly to be happy. I don't know how to do it anymore.
I'm scared that this is as good as it's going to get. I'm a mom. I can't live a childless life. I feel lonely, sad, scared, stressed, tired, more sad, frustrated, angry. I feel so much, yet say so little.
I struggle daily with things that should not matter. They hit me like a ton of bricks and I'm in a puddle, crying like a wimp.
I want this to get better, I just don't know how. I have a huge hole in my life, and the odds of filling it aren't very good. I'm stressed, my blood pressure is high, I have headaches every day, and I am seriously seriously tired of it.
I'm not okay. I'm not. This life is not okay. It's unfair and cruel and horrible.
I am going to try. I don't know what I'm going to try, but something needs to change. I can't function like this any longer. I need to kick my ass in a different direction. I'm not sure what that means yet, but I will be on a mission to improve my life in some way or another. I will get this figured out.
There wasn't much of a point to this post, I'm realizing. I think I just needed to find my voice again.

I have to find a way to be okay. Thanks for reading this whole thing. Sometimes I just need somebody to listen. I'm in pain. But as they say, the first step is admitting there's a problem. I've got a big problem. Hopefully announcing it will be the first step in a better direction.