The New Year

A New Year is here with completely mixed feelings.
As always, I am excited for what it represents: a new start. In the minute between 11:59 and midnight, we expect some things to start fresh. What is it that changes in that minute? We all vow to be better people, to improve our lives, our relationships, and to change our ways. Everybody wishes for something.
For those of us who don't know what to wish for, it can be scary.
What are people like me supposed to do with a fresh start? A new year normally brings new goals and new dreams, but what happens when you carry around this weight that doesn't allow you to move forward? (Totally not meaning Gavin there, I mean our medical issues)
I should be happy to see 2012 go. It was hands-down the worst year of my life. But for a little while, it was also undoubtedly the best. To wish to move on from that would be to wish for it to be left in the past, which is something I'm not okay with. But moving on from the hurt and sadness would be a nice thing, so hopefully I can find some balance.
Resolutions... ohh they seem so simple and so stupid to me this year. I could easily say that I will do many things, but most of it would be crap. I'll list some things I'm hopeful for, things that are not promises that would lead to let-downs. Basically, just things that would make me feel better.
 I want to be more appreciative of Nate. He doesn't reveal his feelings often, and shortly after midnight last night he shared something with me that isn't my story to pass on, but that let me know that he still struggles and is hurting too. I feel alone often and completely misunderstood, and I need to learn to find more comfort in him, and find ways to support him as well.
 I want to ease up on myself, although I'm not sure how to do that. I need to not be so hard on myself for feeling the ways that I do, and allow myself to work through those feelings and hard days instead of hiding them. It sounds really simple and dumb, but it's hard to not put on a show during the bad days.
 I want to be more thankful and happy for the amazing relationships I do have. I have some friends who have shown me so much support and love that I never expected. I am so lucky to have them, and I want to put more good energy towards those who light up my life.
 I want to let myself let go of the relationships that aren't amazing. I've felt for so long that I need to maintain the crappy ones that bring me down just because nothing bad has happened to push the relationship to an end. This one is really hard for me, but I just don't have the energy to maintain them when there is no energy put in on the other end.
 I will make sure Gavin is a part of my life. I will talk about him, show his pictures, and let my love for him be known. He isn't something to be hidden, and I know once I am able to separate more the happiness from the sadness as it pertains to him that it will be much easier to do all of that.
So there is some of it. The reality is that while the Best and Worst year of my life is now gone, it will always carry on for me. There may be worse yet to come, but my boy made it the best by making me his mom, and that will forever be there.