On Being Honest.

I am so torn on where I am. I try to be open, but I know that I mostly am not. I talk to people, but I don't really talk to people. I go on like I'm fine, and a lot of days I am. But on the days that I am not, I find it hard to reach out or to say anything because I feel like a burden, like others have moved on and don't want to have hard conversations. So a lot of what is on my mind just stays there. Before everybody screams out and says "You know you can talk to me!", I probably do know that I can. I just I don't know how to bring it up, or even what to say.
I can try to lay it out. I feel like in terms of grieving, I'm doing kind of okay? I know how I feel (sometimes like absolute crap) but I also feel lucky in a way. I know why my Gavin died. I understand it. That does not make it easy, but at least I don't have those unanswered questions. I don't have the guilt. There literally was nothing I could have done to change it, and believe me, in a weird way that helps. I have this one feeling that helps me and developed a lot from my job, and have always been hesitant to say it because I feel pretty heartless. Maybe it won't make anybody think so, but it makes me feel like a terrible person. My therapist (yeah, I have one.) says I should get it out because it might help somebody else who may need that perspective. So I'll try to explain it more than just the simple version I gave to her- go easy on me.
While Gavin's death is the most horrible heartbreaking and painful thing I have ever experienced- it was a blessing for him.
Good grief, I feel terrible that I even just wrote that. I'll try to explain.
If Gavin had lived any longer, his life would have been so hard for him. He would have been very sick, and had uncontrollable seizures, probably problems breathing and eating, he would never have been able to do more than sit up, and I can't even think of the pain he would have had. I can't think of the pain he probably did have. I didn't want him to die, and if he had lived I truly believe we would have been the best parents he could have ended up with. It was never a question, we would have done whatever he needed. But how do you wish for that? How could I wish for another day, week, month with my baby when I know how hard it would have been for him? It would be selfish of me. I do have some seriously selfish days. I have why the fuck did this happen to us days. I have very very angry days. But for my Gavin, I feel peace.
In my line of work, I learned quickly that death can be a blessing. Just not for those left behind.

Speaking of anger earlier, I have a lot of it. It's totally corny, but they say you find out who your friends are. For us, it's more like you find out who your family is. I might go on a rant here, and it's very specific people. If you think it's you, I'd guarantee it's probably not. I doubt these ones would care enough to read this. I don't want to tear anybody down, and I do know that everybody grieves differently. But is it too much to ask for some to grieve at all? I mean, your first grandchild. You should care. You should have cared enough to show up more than once, and maybe once ask how we are. You should care enough to be mad that your sister was 2 blocks away at home during the funeral, and just didn't come. (Believe me, I'm mad) I realize the family way is to pretend stuff doesn't happen, but that will not be the case here. He was not a thing or a happening that will be swept under the rug like he didn't exist. He's my son. Your grandson. Your nephew.
He fucking matters.

I don't know if some relationships are fixable anymore. I don't know that I can go seeking people out and telling them what they did wrong in my eyes. I can't ask for an apology. I can't keep reminding them that I had a son. That was a little more harsh than I intended, but it needed to get out so I'm leaving it. For now anyways. I'll probably feel bad later and take it down, but I needed to say it. I hadn't noticed so far, but I think today is one of those angry days.