I've written A LOT about the crappy people in and around my life. Unfortunately, I let them occupy my time and bring me down more often than I'd like. So now, for a change of pace... I shall highlight the GOOD!!
My Nater.
That boy, he loves me. And he loves our boy. He doesn't say much when it comes to emotions, but I noticed awhile ago that he was being more "attentive". Usually when we're both home we are together, in the same room, doing the same things. But he had become almost clingy for lack of a better word. (sorry, babe.) I asked him what the deal was and his response went something like this:
"I'm sorry, I just built up enough love for two people, and now I only have one to give it to"
Seriously... just shattered my cold little heart to pieces!
I realized that I can't lock myself in my own world, and I need to be more attentive to him as well. Crappily, we have learned how to grieve and grow together and are stronger in ways we never imagined we would have to be. He tries so hard to fix me and make me happy, and even though it sometimes fails through no fault of his own, he keeps trying. I just love him.
My Sister.
She was a proud auntie from the day she found out that the "Nugget" existed. She has always seemed to have everything together, always seeming perfect. I've always been the hot mess sister. I never realized she had grown up so much and become an amazing person until she went with me to one of my rarely-good-news Level II ultrasounds. We heard the news that day that Gavin had some fluid on his brain. Short story was, he might not have been normal. My hole was getting deeper and deeper, and she just kept watching him going "He's hiccuping! He keeps opening his mouth! That's so cute!" We left that day and were driving through the cities and I was holding back tears, and voicing frustration. Something along the lines of a pity party. I stopped and there was silence for a little while. Then Anna piped up, "Well, I'm going to love him anyways." She said it with such conviction and love for my little boy that my frustrations were instantly gone. She was right.
And love him, she did! She was Gavin's most frequent NICU visitor, coming up daily for a cuddle, and she would pester him and pester him until he would open his eyes. She was strong, even when I wasn't, and I couldn't have asked for a better person to love my boy.
My Parents.
They were pretty darn excited for Nugget. I often joked that mom was hoarding baby stuff. They loved little Gavin, and I know their hearts were broken for him, and us and themselves. I know it was and probably is still hard for them to lose him and watch my pain, and I wish that they didn't have to be in pain either.
Anna's new husband has two kids, who have become the highlight of our family. I don't know that I've ever expressed this to anyone other than Nate, but I'm so thankful for them. I'm thankful for their role in our family, and the role they have given to my parents. They're proud grandparents, and that brings me so much peace. I often worry that our future will lead us to adopt. I don't worry about us, I would do it in a heartbeat- I've been worried about others. My parents have settled my fears (not that I was worried about them, it's the other side that gives me adoption anxiety) that they don't have to share DNA to be loved. I know that I don't have to be afraid that my children won't be as loved or as special as biological grandchildren would be, and that's a huge gift.
My Close Friends and Family.
Some have bailed, but the ones that are left are some of the most amazing people I know, and I'm so lucky to have them. They don't automatically change the subject if I talk about Gavin. They love on me when I'm having a bad day. They invite me out over and over again - even when I'm not being much fun.
Some have come out of the woodwork, quite a few that I haven't talked to in far too long, to join in my support system. To let me know that Gavin, Nate and I are so very loved. They keep me afloat. They make me cry quite often with their kindness.
My Gavin.
The little human that changed my world. I've had losses in the past, and I have absolutely no idea what is to come in the future, but my little boy made me a mom, and that's the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. I'll always be his mom, but instead of parenting him and watching him grow all I can shoot for is living a life that would have made him proud of me. I love my little boy more than anything else in the world, its a feeling that truly can't be understood until you see yourself in a teeny little person. In that moment you are changed forever. It is the deepest, most instant and all-consuming type of love that is just so impossible to describe. He was amazing, and I love him for always.
They're all my people, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.
Made me bawl. Love y'all.
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