A New Year is here with completely mixed feelings.
As always, I am excited for what it represents: a new start. In the minute between 11:59 and midnight, we expect some things to start fresh. What is it that changes in that minute? We all vow to be better people, to improve our lives, our relationships, and to change our ways. Everybody wishes for something.
For those of us who don't know what to wish for, it can be scary.
What are people like me supposed to do with a fresh start? A new year normally brings new goals and new dreams, but what happens when you carry around this weight that doesn't allow you to move forward? (Totally not meaning Gavin there, I mean our medical issues)
I should be happy to see 2012 go. It was hands-down the worst year of my life. But for a little while, it was also undoubtedly the best. To wish to move on from that would be to wish for it to be left in the past, which is something I'm not okay with. But moving on from the hurt and sadness would be a nice thing, so hopefully I can find some balance.
Resolutions... ohh they seem so simple and so stupid to me this year. I could easily say that I will do many things, but most of it would be crap. I'll list some things I'm hopeful for, things that are not promises that would lead to let-downs. Basically, just things that would make me feel better.
I want to be more appreciative of Nate. He doesn't reveal his feelings often, and shortly after midnight last night he shared something with me that isn't my story to pass on, but that let me know that he still struggles and is hurting too. I feel alone often and completely misunderstood, and I need to learn to find more comfort in him, and find ways to support him as well.
I want to ease up on myself, although I'm not sure how to do that. I need to not be so hard on myself for feeling the ways that I do, and allow myself to work through those feelings and hard days instead of hiding them. It sounds really simple and dumb, but it's hard to not put on a show during the bad days.
I want to be more thankful and happy for the amazing relationships I do have. I have some friends who have shown me so much support and love that I never expected. I am so lucky to have them, and I want to put more good energy towards those who light up my life.
I want to let myself let go of the relationships that aren't amazing. I've felt for so long that I need to maintain the crappy ones that bring me down just because nothing bad has happened to push the relationship to an end. This one is really hard for me, but I just don't have the energy to maintain them when there is no energy put in on the other end.
I will make sure Gavin is a part of my life. I will talk about him, show his pictures, and let my love for him be known. He isn't something to be hidden, and I know once I am able to separate more the happiness from the sadness as it pertains to him that it will be much easier to do all of that.
So there is some of it. The reality is that while the Best and Worst year of my life is now gone, it will always carry on for me. There may be worse yet to come, but my boy made it the best by making me his mom, and that will forever be there.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
fitting right now.
A Promise to My Son ..
I will talk about and share my son,
to honor him and his memory.
Deny me that, and you will deny him life.
Deny him life, and you no longer have a place in mine.
I will talk about and share my son,
to honor him and his memory.
Deny me that, and you will deny him life.
Deny him life, and you no longer have a place in mine.
My baby should be 9 months old today, but he's not.
This should have been his first Christmas, but it wasn't.
I'm in a funk. Life isn't great right now.
I'm tired of people that claim they care when they don't.
Actions really do speak louder than words.
I'm just feeling cruddy.
I'm feeling like I've been left behind.
So has my son, by a lot of his family.
But they "care" so that's enough right?
I feel pretty alone.
A lot of things can't be undone, and I'm feeling that list getting longer and longer.
Nothing is the same. I'm not the same.
I miss my baby.
This should have been his first Christmas, but it wasn't.
I'm in a funk. Life isn't great right now.
I'm tired of people that claim they care when they don't.
Actions really do speak louder than words.
I'm just feeling cruddy.
I'm feeling like I've been left behind.
So has my son, by a lot of his family.
But they "care" so that's enough right?
I feel pretty alone.
A lot of things can't be undone, and I'm feeling that list getting longer and longer.
Nothing is the same. I'm not the same.
I miss my baby.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
It's Okay :)
I randomly copy and paste things here, mostly so I can find them again in the future if they were helpful to me. These aren't my words, but darn close!
"I spent so long feeling guilty, feeling ashamed of my sadness, and you know what? It just made me sadder. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be depressed. We all deserve to feel our own sadness in our own time.
Something you will have heard before - you deserve to be happy. That, of course, is not always easy to hear, especially in the depths of depression - so let me add something. You deserve to be happy - but you don't have to be happy right now or all the time.
It is okay to be sad, it's okay to not be ready to be happy yet. One day you will be ready to recover - that day doesn't have to be today or even tomorrow, as long as you know and trust me that it will come.
It's okay not to be okay."
I've found that working through it is much more healing than just pretending. When you're pretending, it all comes back up again at some point and you will feel like you're starting at the beginning. All those feelings of crap need to be noticed and felt to be able to move up from them.
"I spent so long feeling guilty, feeling ashamed of my sadness, and you know what? It just made me sadder. You are allowed to be sad, you are allowed to be angry, you're allowed to be depressed. We all deserve to feel our own sadness in our own time.
Something you will have heard before - you deserve to be happy. That, of course, is not always easy to hear, especially in the depths of depression - so let me add something. You deserve to be happy - but you don't have to be happy right now or all the time.
It is okay to be sad, it's okay to not be ready to be happy yet. One day you will be ready to recover - that day doesn't have to be today or even tomorrow, as long as you know and trust me that it will come.
It's okay not to be okay."
I've found that working through it is much more healing than just pretending. When you're pretending, it all comes back up again at some point and you will feel like you're starting at the beginning. All those feelings of crap need to be noticed and felt to be able to move up from them.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hi.
Some of you may have noticed that this place went private and quiet for a little while.
I'm only here to talk. About myself, my boy and my life in general.
This is therapy for me.
I cannot control what people think, believe or say about me.
However, I can control what is posted here and the opinionated comments that are allowed through.
For those of you who know me personally, or have at some point in my life, you know that I've always been feisty. Sarcastic. Sassy. Bitchy, even. I've been strong-willed, bull-headed, and heavily opinionated.
For the last year almost, I've been empty.
I cry, randomly, for no good reason.
The littlest things send me totally over the edge.
My stress and emotional level is constantly at a 9.
I don't talk about things. Unless somebody else brings it up, my things are not discussed.
My systolic blood pressure for the last 9 months has been at least 150 consistently. Before, it was 118.
I am worn out. My body is tired. My mind... it's fried.
I have to set alarms and reminders on my phone to remind me when I have to work in the morning.
I'm hurting.
I'm emotionally drained.
With all of that, I had to try to save somebody else's kid who put a bullet in his head this week.
I didn't succeed.
Before you judge me, or any of the content of my brain that I post here, remember a little thing called compassion.
You may know me. You may know of the life I lead.
However.
You do not know my struggles.
You do not know what myself or my husband are living through.
You might know the loss, and if you do, I hurt for you.
But you might not know how exhausting it is to have to pull yourself together to care for someone else when you can't barely take care of yourself. I'm not better than anyone. I'm not stronger. My struggle is no greater than yours. I'm just saying - I don't walk in your shoes, you don't walk in mine.
95% of this blog experience has been so positive, and so supportive and I truly find comfort here.
5% of the time, it causes judgement and attacks and this is hopefully my last post where I have to address this crap.
If you are here to judge or twist or spread stories, just go away. Have enough decency and try to muster up enough care from your cold dead heart to just simply leave me alone. I'm trying so hard. I don't need crap from anybody. I need support. I need love. I need people who genuinely care. For those of you that provide that for me, I am so thankful for you. For those of you that don't, please use the X in the corner and do not return.
Edited to Add: My email is kscharmer5@gmail.com . For anybody who does want to read this blog and continue to follow the story of my life and my emotionally charged responses to it, please shoot me an email with your email address so that if I do have to make it private again, I can keep it open to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there for me.
I'm only here to talk. About myself, my boy and my life in general.
This is therapy for me.
I cannot control what people think, believe or say about me.
However, I can control what is posted here and the opinionated comments that are allowed through.
For those of you who know me personally, or have at some point in my life, you know that I've always been feisty. Sarcastic. Sassy. Bitchy, even. I've been strong-willed, bull-headed, and heavily opinionated.
For the last year almost, I've been empty.
I cry, randomly, for no good reason.
The littlest things send me totally over the edge.
My stress and emotional level is constantly at a 9.
I don't talk about things. Unless somebody else brings it up, my things are not discussed.
My systolic blood pressure for the last 9 months has been at least 150 consistently. Before, it was 118.
I am worn out. My body is tired. My mind... it's fried.
I have to set alarms and reminders on my phone to remind me when I have to work in the morning.
I'm hurting.
I'm emotionally drained.
With all of that, I had to try to save somebody else's kid who put a bullet in his head this week.
I didn't succeed.
Before you judge me, or any of the content of my brain that I post here, remember a little thing called compassion.
You may know me. You may know of the life I lead.
However.
You do not know my struggles.
You do not know what myself or my husband are living through.
You might know the loss, and if you do, I hurt for you.
But you might not know how exhausting it is to have to pull yourself together to care for someone else when you can't barely take care of yourself. I'm not better than anyone. I'm not stronger. My struggle is no greater than yours. I'm just saying - I don't walk in your shoes, you don't walk in mine.
95% of this blog experience has been so positive, and so supportive and I truly find comfort here.
5% of the time, it causes judgement and attacks and this is hopefully my last post where I have to address this crap.
If you are here to judge or twist or spread stories, just go away. Have enough decency and try to muster up enough care from your cold dead heart to just simply leave me alone. I'm trying so hard. I don't need crap from anybody. I need support. I need love. I need people who genuinely care. For those of you that provide that for me, I am so thankful for you. For those of you that don't, please use the X in the corner and do not return.
Edited to Add: My email is kscharmer5@gmail.com . For anybody who does want to read this blog and continue to follow the story of my life and my emotionally charged responses to it, please shoot me an email with your email address so that if I do have to make it private again, I can keep it open to you. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being there for me.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Removed.
Edited to Add:
Let me know if you would like the link. I've removed it because instead of getting opinions on the topic itself, I'm getting opinions on my life, which is not exactly what I was asking for.
I appreciate that people come here to read, BUT, if you're going to read just pieces and pick out the parts that you want to spin into rumors to pass around town, please just go the hell away.
I'm not asking whether anybody believes we need money or not. It might appear that our life is great. We have new-er vehicles, just bought a house (that we don't need, or deserve apparently), we do own an older boat and have two older snowmobiles. Apparently, I should get rid of absolutely everything and live in a home that haunts me every single day so that if our attempts at growing our family fail, I will have nothing. But that's what people around here want, isn't it? For nobody to have more than them? To not offer support or kind words when somebody is hurting? It's the small town way to talk shit and break down and spread their jealousy and nastiness as far as they can. I am so sick of being bullied. I'm sick of being ripped apart by people who have so much misery that they can't stand it. I mean seriously... I don't deserve a baby because I have too nice of a car and house?
I guess what makes me the most sad, angry, and a million other emotions is the fact that Nate and I literally help people for a living. I sometimes work for 36 hours STRAIGHT. It's not out of the question for me to put in 50 hours in a single weekend. And in the 10 hours I sometimes get off between Friday night and Saturday morning, I respond to VOLUNTEER ambulance calls instead of sleeping. I see people die. I try to help them in the absolute worst moments of their lives. I go home sweaty, sometimes covered in the blood of someone else, and occasionally in tears. I beat myself to a pulp to help others. For what? To not deserve something?
Judge me on my character. Judge me on my heart. Judge me for my husband - nobody in the world can say he's not a great person. Walk a day in my shoes, and then judge me. Feel free to judge yourself first. What do you do for others? Anything? Do you do any single thing to improve the life of someone else?
I may not need the things I have, (and I may not be keeping them, how the hell would you know?), but I do know that I don't need anybody in my life who is not supportive, who constantly bullies, or pretends to care but then runs to the bar to flap their lips. I do not need you. What I do need is for you to get the hell away from me. I'm not doing this anymore. Stop commenting here or to others. We will have a discussion in person because I am sick of your misery and hate and I will not continued to be bullied by you. See you soon :)
Edited to Add:
Let me know if you would like the link. I've removed it because instead of getting opinions on the topic itself, I'm getting opinions on my life, which is not exactly what I was asking for.
I appreciate that people come here to read, BUT, if you're going to read just pieces and pick out the parts that you want to spin into rumors to pass around town, please just go the hell away.
I'm not asking whether anybody believes we need money or not. It might appear that our life is great. We have new-er vehicles, just bought a house (that we don't need, or deserve apparently), we do own an older boat and have two older snowmobiles. Apparently, I should get rid of absolutely everything and live in a home that haunts me every single day so that if our attempts at growing our family fail, I will have nothing. But that's what people around here want, isn't it? For nobody to have more than them? To not offer support or kind words when somebody is hurting? It's the small town way to talk shit and break down and spread their jealousy and nastiness as far as they can. I am so sick of being bullied. I'm sick of being ripped apart by people who have so much misery that they can't stand it. I mean seriously... I don't deserve a baby because I have too nice of a car and house?
I guess what makes me the most sad, angry, and a million other emotions is the fact that Nate and I literally help people for a living. I sometimes work for 36 hours STRAIGHT. It's not out of the question for me to put in 50 hours in a single weekend. And in the 10 hours I sometimes get off between Friday night and Saturday morning, I respond to VOLUNTEER ambulance calls instead of sleeping. I see people die. I try to help them in the absolute worst moments of their lives. I go home sweaty, sometimes covered in the blood of someone else, and occasionally in tears. I beat myself to a pulp to help others. For what? To not deserve something?
Judge me on my character. Judge me on my heart. Judge me for my husband - nobody in the world can say he's not a great person. Walk a day in my shoes, and then judge me. Feel free to judge yourself first. What do you do for others? Anything? Do you do any single thing to improve the life of someone else?
I may not need the things I have, (and I may not be keeping them, how the hell would you know?), but I do know that I don't need anybody in my life who is not supportive, who constantly bullies, or pretends to care but then runs to the bar to flap their lips. I do not need you. What I do need is for you to get the hell away from me. I'm not doing this anymore. Stop commenting here or to others. We will have a discussion in person because I am sick of your misery and hate and I will not continued to be bullied by you. See you soon :)
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